


isak in the bathroom

by sundaymournin



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Insecure!Isak, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-03-24 22:18:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13820589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundaymournin/pseuds/sundaymournin
Summary: “Isak. It’s been months.”“I know how long it’s been, Magnus.” Isak snapped.In a stupid moment of wanting to prove himself, Isak had agreed to go with him.Which was how he ended up in some stranger’s house, drinking his third beer and letting go a little. Isak couldn’t remember the last time he drank, the last time he’d gone out and lived a little. The last time he’d let go. Isak couldn’t remember doing anything fun after the first week of summer. After he’d been dumped.OR break-up fic where isak hides in the bathroom quite a bit, even is dating mikael, and everything is a bit off-center.





	1. god, he's such a loser

_ “As I choke back the tears _ __  
_ I'll wait as long as I need, until my face is dry _ _  
_ __ Or I'll just blame it on weed, or something in my eye!”

 

* * *

 

  
  


Isak used to love parties. He used to have fun at parties. He used to laugh and make fun of Magnus and dance with people. He used to smoke with his friends in bathrooms and do shots with random girls. Isak used to laugh when Jonas was rejected by girls, used to tease him all night. 

 

He used to… 

 

He used to flirt with his boyfriend from across the room; raising his eyebrows and teasing and texting. Isak used to press into his side, used to press kisses to his neck, grind against him in the middle of a dance floor or living room or some random’s bedroom door. Sometimes he’d beg to leave early. Other times, it was Isak who was being dragged out and kissed breathless. 

 

Parties used to be fun. Used to.

 

He hadn’t been to one in a long time, had skipped out on going all summer, but it was Fall and he was at university and it was Magnus’ idea because most bad ideas were Magnus’.

 

“Jonas and Elias aren’t around anymore to make sure people like us.” Magnus told him, pulling out clothes from Isak’s closet and tossing them to him. “If we want to make good impressions, we gotta do it ourselves.” 

 

“Elias didn’t help anyone like us.” Isak glared, pushing the clothing off his computer; he had an Algebra test in two weeks and he needed to study. “And I’m cool. People like me.”

 

“All you do is study.” Magnus pointed out. “Not cool.”

 

“Well, we  _ are _ at university.” Isak rolled his eyes. “It’s kind of the point.”

 

“Come  _ on _ , dude. Jonas called me and told me I had to get you out of the house tonight or he’s gonna take a train from Stockholm.” Magnus whined.

 

Isak rolled his eyes again. “He’s so dramatic.”

 

“Isak. It’s been  _ months.”  _

 

“I know how long it’s been, Magnus.” Isak snapped.

 

In a stupid moment of wanting to prove himself, Isak had agreed to go with him.

 

Which was how he ended up in some stranger’s house, drinking his third beer and letting go a little. Isak couldn’t remember the last time he drank, the last time he’d gone out and lived a little. The last time he’d let go. Isak couldn’t remember doing anything fun after the first week of summer. After he’d been dumped.

 

So, he was a bit of a lightweight. Isak swayed a little on his feet, felt a little too sad, and laughed a little too hard at bad jokes from the other students. Alcohol had never been the best thing for him when he wasn’t in a good place and this was no different. He felt a little close to tears, so he kept talking and grinning and at some point he lost Magnus - or maybe he’d walked away, Isak wasn’t sure. 

 

“You’re a first year?” Some drunk girl was asking him, leaning in too close and touching his chest. He didn’t know how to tell her he was gay. Her perfume made his stomach churn. What  _ was _ that floral shit?

 

“Uh, yeah.” Isak smiled nervously, chugging the rest of his beer so he had an excuse to leave. “I’m gonna, uh, go get another.” 

 

He shouldered his way into the kitchen, throat closing when he saw  _ him. _ Leaning against the fridge and smiling down at someone. His smile still took Isak’s breath away, even now. Even months later. Even after months of not seeing him. 

 

_ Even. _

 

Magnus was nowhere to be found, the drunk girl was still watching him from across the room and Isak— Isak ran. Into the bathroom, locked the door behind him and sat down on the toilet seat.  _ What the fuck. What the fuck.  _

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

Isak never would have agreed to go if he thought that there was any possibility that Even would be there. He never would’ve shown up if he thought he’d have to face his stupid ex-boyfriend, with his stupid face and stupid smile and—

 

He wouldn’t have gone. He would’ve stayed home, hid in his room and let Magnus call him a loser. Maybe if he had done that, he wouldn’t be practically having a panic attack in some strangers house. 

 

The first time Isak had seen Even, it had been across the hall at Nissen. He’d walked by, looking beyond cool and collected and confident. Isak had been in his third year and Even had been taking a couple of makeup classes. He’d ended up having a maths class with Isak, had sat down next to him and flirted with him for two months before Isak gave in. From the moment he’d seen Even, though, he’d been completely swept away by him. Before that, Isak had thought he’d be able to hide liking guys but that went out the window the second Even aimed a smile in his direction. 

 

But that smile was aimed at someone else now and, still, it made Isak weak in the knees. Too weak. Almost as if he’d broken an entire leg.

 

Isak pulled out his phone and almost called Jonas. His thumb hovered over his best friend’s name, but he hesitated. He couldn’t do it. 

 

Jonas almost hadn’t moved away for university because he’d been so worried about Isak. The two of them had grown up next door to one another, they were there for everything in life, and Jonas almost didn’t go because Isak had been in such bad shape. It had taken hours of convincing. 

 

“Everyone goes through break ups.” Isak had insisted. “I’ll be  _ fine.”  _

 

He had to be fine. Jonas couldn’t know.

 

Isak had to figure it out on his own this time.

  
  


He was half done with the joint he was supposed to be saving for him and Magnus when the door banged open, hitting the wall hard and two people came tumbling in. They were making out furiously, hadn’t even realized he was there, didn’t even notice and Isak could’ve fucking sworn he’d locked the door but—

 

But Even pressing some guy into the counter, going for the button on his jeans and kicking the door shut behind him meant that Isak had definitely not locked the door. Even. Getting his hands all over some other guy with long, brown hair and a cute smile. Probably someone cooler than Isak because  _ everyone _ was cooler than Isak, because Isak was the one hiding in the bathroom. 

 

He watched in horror while Even trailed kisses down this strangers neck, caressed his hips with a gentleness that Isak used to have memorized. He wanted to say something, let them know he was there and he didn’t want to see this. He didn’t want to know that Even had moved on, that he’d found someone more worthy of love.

 

The guy’s eyes opened for a moment and he jumped when he saw Isak, standing there with a joint burning in his hand. He pushed Even away. “Shit, sorry man. Didn’t see you.” 

 

Even pulled back to see who it was and froze. His smile slid away, his eyes that had been darkened with lust turned away. 

 

Maybe because he wasn’t expecting Isak to be standing there at all. Or maybe he just didn’t expect his face to be red from crying, or expect him to smoking since he’d been so against it back then, or maybe—

 

“Do you mind?” The brunette laughed awkwardly. 

 

Isak couldn’t breathe. His mouth had gone dry and he was sure that if he tried to speak, he’d start crying again. Instead, he took another hit of the joint, desperate to numb himself. 

 

“You’re not supposed to be smoking in here.” Even’s boytoy told him, suddenly annoyed. “Yousef would be pissed.” 

 

Isak glared at him, jaw clenching. It wasn’t his fault, he knew that, but it was easy to blame the person kissing your ex. It was easy to point to them and blame them for your issues. For his issues. Isak had  _ just _ calmed down, god dammit.

 

“What the fuck is your problem?” The guy went on.

 

“Mikael.” Even mumbled softly, avoiding looking at Isak. 

 

Isak swallowed thickly. Mikael. Even was seeing someone named Mikael, who had friends who threw big parties and who got to kiss and touch Even. Probably even introduced Even to his parents, probably hadn’t even been a little ashamed of being gay. 

 

Even had moved on with someone named Mikael. He kissed him and said his name with care and familiarity. Even was with someone else, hadn’t even noticed Isak was at the party. Or maybe he had, maybe he just hadn’t cared at all. Even didn’t have to hide in bathrooms, because Even wasn’t a fucking loser.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Mikael asked him, waving a hand in front of Isak’s face. 

 

He was going to cry. This guy didn’t even know who Isak was, that’s how little it had mattered to Even. His new boyfriend didn’t even recognize Isak when he was standing right in front of him. Great. Awesome. Sweet. 

 

Isak dropped the joint in the toilet and pushed past Mikael. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. His hands were shaking, his heart felt like it had just been ripped out of his fucking chest and where the  _ fuck _ was Magnus? 

  
  


Not in the kitchen, the living room, any of the bedrooms. Isak went out back to check, flinching when he saw Even and Mikael standing with a group of guys and… 

 

_ “Magnus.” _ Isak snapped through gritted teeth.

 

Everyone looked in his direction, focusing in on him. All seven of them. It was too much attention for him to handle, especially like this, but he stood his ground. Mostly because he didn’t want to stumble in front of all of them. 

 

“That’s him.” Mikes pointed. “He was getting high in your bathroom, Yousef.”

 

Magnus’ mouth fell open. “Without me?”

 

Isak clenched his jaw. “Can we fucking go?”

 

“You know this guy?” Mikael asked, looking between him and Magnus. 

 

“That’s Isak.” Magnus told him, laughing nervously.

 

_ “What?”  _ Mikael gasped, looking back over at Isak with a newfound recognition. Then looking up at Even, who was staring down at his phone. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

Even shrugged, glancing up at Isak for a half second before looking back at his phone. Asshole.

 

“You didn’t know?” Magnus asked. “Isak is Even’s—“

 

“You’re the fucking worst, Magnus.” Isak found himself snapping, finally getting his friend’s undivided attention. “Can we go now, asshole?”

 

Magnus blushed. “Shit. Yeah. My bad.” 

 

Isak turned and stormed away, only getting a few steps inside before he had to lean against the wall and make the room stop spinning. Everything was a disaster. Everything would always be a disaster. 

 

“Hey,” Magnus touched his shoulder, looking a little scared. “Isak, listen.”

 

“Just forget it.” Isak grumbled, shrugging his hand off and pushing through the crowd and out of the house with Mags at his heels. 

 

“Dude, seriously, I was just talking to him about-”

 

Isak shook his head, letting the movement make him dizzy. “I don’t fucking care, Magnus. I don’t care. He was your friend, you can talk to him. Whatever. Just shut the fuck up.” 

 

Thankfully, Magnus did. 

  
  


“Hey, man.” Jonas was grinning behind the screen of his phone. His hair had gotten longer, curlier. His eyes had bags under them, but he was grinning, which meant he’d probably just gone out the night before and had a good time. Isak wished he could relate. “How was the party?” 

 

Isak smiled tightly. “Great.” 

 

Jonas made a face. “What the fuck’s up with the creepy smile?”

 

“Sorry.” Isak snorted, wiping a hand over his face. He was always a terrible liar when it came to Jonas. How did you lie to someone who knew you inside out, anyway? “Just hungover.” 

 

“Shit, me too.” Jonas laughed. “The Swedes party like no one else.” 

 

Isak always got hit with a pang of sadness whenever he was reminded that Jonas lived in a different country. Only a train ride away, technically, but that felt like a lifetime in comparison to the two minutes it had always taken before. Isak felt like a needy girlfriend or something, but he knew Jonas needed this. He needed to learn how to adult by himself. 

 

“Sounds fun.” He smiled, trying his best to sound convincing. 

 

Jonas caught it, though. “You sure you’re okay, Issy?” 

 

“Just tired. Hungover. You know.” Isak shrugged it off. 

 

Even on camera, hundreds of miles away, Isak could see the light change in his best friend’s eyes. He saw the worry kick in. “How’s your sleep?” 

 

Isak groaned. “It’s  _ fine _ , dad.” 

 

Jonas smiled, apologetic. “Sorry.” A paused. “It’s just weird, not knowing what’s going on with you. How you’re doing and stuff. You never post on Instagram anymore.”

 

“Nothing really to post.” Isak shrugged, biting the inside of his cheek. “Miss you, though…”

 

They smiled at each other, soft and private for a moment before someone banged open a door on Jonas’ end. 

 

“Hey, you done talking to your boyfriend, yet? We’ve got shit to do.”

 

“Fuck off, man.” Jonas rolled his eyes, but grinned. “I gotta head out. Call me later?”

 

Isak nodded and just like that, he was gone and the room was silent and it was just him. Him and Magnus, who was probably still sleeping and hungover. Ditched-him-at-a-party Magnus. Hung-out-with-his-ex Magnus. Shittiest-roommate-ever Magnus. 

 

He missed Jonas. 

 

He missed Even. 

 

Isak missed his life.

  
  


They were only a few weeks into the school year, but Isak spent most of his time studying. He was ahead in every class by weeks, had finished essays that were due by the end of the month. For the most part, he thought he was doing well — Until they had to split into groups and he was caught with the sudden realization that he didn’t know anyone. 

 

By default, he ended up with being paired with a short girl wearing a hijab. She scanned over his essay, brows furrowed. “Did you write this drunk?”

 

Isak blinked. “What?”

 

“This is completely nonsensical.” The girl told him, scrunching up her nose. “What are you even trying to argue? Here you say, ‘Marijuana is often seen as a gateway drug, and for good reason, research backs it up’, but then you go on to defend recreational use.” 

 

“... What? No, I’m showing the different points of view.” Isak argued, taking back his paper.

 

The girl shrugged. “Maybe that’s what you meant to do, but that’s not what you really did.” 

 

Her name was Sana and she was smarter than Isak ever could be. He’d thought, for awhile, that he was probably the smartest person in the room. It turned out, being ahead in all his classes didn’t matter when he was doing the work sleep deprived. Sana was right, the essay was an absolute mess and while, usually, that would’ve annoyed him, he was grateful. At least someone brought it to his attention before he actually turned the shit in. 

 

“I can help you fix it.” Sana offered when the class ended. “Do you drink coffee?”

 

“Almost exclusively.” Isak smirked, following her to the cafeteria. 

 

It was nice to have someone to walk with, to talk to. Magnus was great and all, but he couldn’t keep up in a conversation with Isak. Sana seemed to follow the trails and curves that his brain went down with no problem. She understood when he jumped from the marijuana topic to brain chemistry and then to genetics. Jonas wasn’t even this good at keeping up with him. 

 

But Sana was something special. 

 

Isak was happy, for a moment, at the prospect of having a friend. 

 

“Did you go to Nissen?” Sana asked, cocking her head to the side as she looked him over. “I think I remember you.” 

 

“I did, yeah.” He chuckled. “I didn’t know you went there.” 

 

Sana shrugged. “Yeah, kept to myself mostly. You hung out with a curly haired guy?”

 

Isak nodded. “Jonas, yeah.”

 

“Is he going here to?” 

 

“Nah,” Isak smiled sadly. “Stockholm.”

 

Sana hummed. “That sucks.”

 

“Sana!” Suddenly there was a bald guy with his arm slung around her shoulder, grinning mischievously. “Can I borrow some money?”

 

“Nei.” She rolled her eyes, shrugging him off.

 

“Please? I left my wallet at home.”

 

“Sounds like your problem.” Sana hummed, picking up Isak’s coffee and handing it to him. “I’m busy, Elias.” 

 

Elias looked over at him, eyes widening in recognition. “You?”

 

Isak raised an eyebrow. “Do I know you?”

 

“You were at Yousef’s party the other night.” Elias told him, leaning down to whisper to Sana. “This is the dude who smoked in the bathroom.”

 

Sana snorted. “That’s why you’re so pro-drugs.” 

 

Isak laughed nervously, face going a little white. “Pro-weed not pro-drugs.” This was one of Even’s new friends, he realized belatedly. One of the many guys that had been staring at him that night. 

 

As if on cue, the rest of them joined them and started talking as if he wasn’t there. It took a minute or two, but he figured out their names eventually. 

 

Elias was Sana’s brother, the bald one who no one wanted to loan money to. Then there was Yousef, who was looking at Sana with fond eyes and a soft smile. Mutta, who was hot as all hell and silently watched Isak. Adam, loud and obnoxious, similar to Magnus. Then, of course, Mikael and Even. 

 

Even had an arm slung around Mikael’s shoulder, holding him close. They looked so sweet together, so natural, like they had been together for a long time. Isak found himself staring, found himself wondering how long after they’d broken up it had taken for Even to fall in love with another boy. A cooler, newer version of Isak. 

 

“Isak?” Sana asked, elbowing him to get his attention.

 

“Huh?”

 

She raised her eyebrows. “Are you hungry?” 

 

Isak shook his head. “Nah.”

 

“But you said earlier you haven’t eaten today.” Sana pointed out carefully, glancing between the group of guys watching them and Isak. She was a smart girl; surely she had figured out there was something going wrong. Then, when she figured it out, she’d likely pick a side. Not that there was sides, really. Just Even and Isak. Separate entities entirely. 

 

Isak glanced back up at Even, unable to stop himself. He found himself meeting a blue gaze, one that was laced with concern and confusion. Those eyes he used to be so painfully familiar with, now filled with what Isak could only assume was pity. “Nah, I’m good. Nice to meet everyone. Bye.” He rushed out, turning on his heel and hurrying out of the cafeteria. 

 

Once again he found himself in a bathroom, head buried in his hands and tears burning his eyes. Was it always going to be this way? Was he always going to be hiding and running and avoiding? Stuck missing his best friend, resenting his roommate, and unable to meet anyone new? 

 

This was how his life was going to be, wasn’t it?

 

Isak hiding in the bathroom like it was a fucking closet. 

  
  
  



	2. my big mistake was showing up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak tries to move on, Sana and Magnus are persistent, and alcohol rarely fixes anything.

 

_ “and i can’t help but yearn for a different time _

_ and then i look in the mirror _

_ and the present is clearer _

_ and there’s no denying” _

 

* * *

 

Isak had never known a peaceful sleep before Even had a come into his life, and he hadn’t known one since he’d left.

 

Sometimes, the only thing that helped Isak sleep was imagining that there was someone holding him. Someone taller, with long arms that held him impossibly tight. Someone who buried their face in his neck and pressed soft kisses there to wake him up in the morning. Someone who used to be there, but wasn’t any longer. 

 

He was woken abruptly by his alarm going off, the phantom feeling of arms wrapped around his body still lingering in the air. Just a dream.

 

Isak reached over and turned off the alarm before rolling onto his back. He glared at the ceiling, the same way he had every morning since the previous summer. Every time he fell asleep, his body tricked him into thinking that maybe Even still loved him and would come back. He tricked himself into thinking that he was lovable. He tricked himself into thinking everything was okay. 

 

Then he’d wake up, and it all came crashing back down. He could always feel the loss, even before he opened his eyes. Isak had spent his entire life without having someone love him like that, but now it felt like a bigger loss. It felt like he’d finally seen the world in color, but then was forced to go colorblind again. It felt like he’d lost part of himself. The only version that had ever known happiness.

 

It was even worse now. Before, he could imagine that maybe Even was off somewhere, thinking of him too. But that wasn’t true, Isak had realized; it was 7:08 and Even was probably fucking Mikael already. The thought made his stomach churn.

 

Isak had thought they’d been in love, he really had. Only six months together and he’d had their entire lives planned out. He hadn’t imagined a future without him, because he’d thought they’d been something special. That couldn’t have been true for Even, though. Not if he was already shoving his tongue and cock inside someone else. 

 

It couldn’t have been love. 

  
  


“Isak?” Magnus opened his door without knocking again because that’s the kind of person he was. “Can I borrow your deodorant?” 

 

“No.”

 

“But—“

 

“No.”

 

“I really need it!”

 

“No.”

 

“I have work—“

 

“No.”

 

“Fuck you, man!” Magnus groaned, swinging his door shut and heading back down the hall. 

 

Isak wiped his hands over his face. Time to get up, then. 

  
  


His days were simple; work in the computer lab, helping idiots take tests and older students check their emails. Then class until sunset, then homework until the library closed, then maybe dinner if he felt like it. Isak kept to a simple schedule that didn’t include a social life.

 

Every once in awhile, though, Magnus would catch him at school and talk his ear off for five minutes. Sometimes, he’d catch a glimpse of Mikael and his friends. Usually without Even. Luckily, without Even. 

 

Isak saw him too, though. Very rarely. But it happened. Anytime he heard Even’s laugh, his head snapped in that direction without thinking much of it. Every time he heard his name, Isak found himself looking around. If it was him, his heart would go a mile a minute. If it wasn’t, Isak always felt a little disappointed. 

 

It was a little pathetic, he realized, to be happy to see your ex in the halls. It was pathetic to hope to see him at all.

 

Isak was in the library, searching for a particular book when they actually spoke for the first time. He’d turned a corner in the self-help section and came face to face with him. Isak knew he should’ve probably turned around and walked away but there was something about the look in Even’s eyes that made him pause. Something a little sad. Isak didn't know if he was allowed to point it out.

 

The last time they’d been in a library together, it had been different.

 

_ “Aren’t you a little old to be in a high school library?” Isak had teased, leaning against a bookshelf and smiling shyly. _

 

_ Even grinned. “I’m taking one more class, then it’s off to university.” _

 

_ “Off?” Isak asked, head cocked to the side. _

 

_ “Sorta.” Even shrugged. “I’m trying to get into the film program at University of Oslo.” _

 

_ Isak scrunched up his nose. “One of those pretentious types. I guess I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” _

 

_ “Oh, no.” Even chuckled, leaning into his space. “And here I was hoping it would woo you.” _

 

_ “Your biggest mistake was thinking I’m wooable.” Isak grinned, letting butterflies fill his stomach. _

 

_ Even reached out and tucked a curl behind Isak’s ear, making his breath hitch and Even grin. “I think you’re the most wooable boy I’ve ever met.” _

 

 

Even was always beautiful, always looked perfect in Isak’s eyes, but he also looked tired. A little pale. A little thin. A little like Isak.

 

“Are you okay?” Isak asked softly, voice hoarse from not speaking to anyone the entire day.

 

Even swallowed, jaw clenching. “Why?”

 

Isak glanced down at the book in Even’s hand, but the man quickly hid it behind his back. Self-help for what? “I dunno. You look tired.”

 

“I’m fine, Isak.” Even rolled his eyes and turned his back to him. Before, he never would’ve acted so damn cold. He never would’ve treated Isak so badly. Even when they were breaking up, he’d been so gentle with Isak, so caring. The way he said his name was different, too. Isak. With a hint of bitterness in the ‘k’. 

 

Maybe he’d realized Isak hadn’t deserved it, after they’d broken up. Maybe he’d finally seen what Isak always saw in the mirror. 

 

“Sorry.” Isak mumbled, swallowing thickly and deciding to search for his book and run. Or maybe he should’ve just left and returned for it later. Maybe he didn’t need the book that much after all. Maybe he was just selfishly taking up Even’s time. He picked out the healthy eating guide he’d been searching for.

 

“Are you eating?” Even asked suddenly.

 

“What?”

 

Even was giving him a look. An “I know you” look that Isak resented. He’d wanted to be on the receiving end of Even’s care and worry, but Isak was surprised to find that he didn’t like it. It felt a little disrespectful. A little presumptuous. Even had hidden his book behind his back, but was openly staring at the one Isak held. 

 

“Why the hell would you care?” Isak snapped, surprised at himself.

 

“Don’t be like that.” Even sighed. 

 

Isak didn’t want to be like that. He didn’t want to be mean to the only person who had shown him kindness. “I’m fine, Even.” 

 

And he was. He could be. Fine. Everything was fine. 

 

“Then why do you need that book?” Even argued, looking him over. 

 

“Why do you need yours?”

 

“Does  _ Jonas _ know?” 

 

And, no. Isak wasn’t doing this. He wasn’t going to let Even take over his life again, act all worried about him but completely brush of Isak’s questions and concerns. He wasn’t going to let Even make him feel worse about himself than he already did. Isak hated himself enough for the both of them. 

 

Isak turned and hurried out of the library, leaving the book on an abandoned table.    
  
  


 

Isak was still in a shit mood when Sana sat down next to him in class and began unpacking her things. He’d been avoiding her successfully for a couple of days, since he found out what crowd she ran with. And yet, she sat down. 

 

“Uh—“

 

“I don’t know what went down with you and my brother.” Sana interrupted. “Frankly, I don’t care, he’s an idiot most of the time anyway.”

 

Isak stared at her, uncertain. “Okay…?”

 

Sana rolled her eyes. “I like you. I think you’re cool, when you’re not making stupid assumptions about me.” 

 

“I didn’t—“

 

“Avoid me for three days because you figured I was taking my brothers side on an issue I know nothing and care little about?” Sana finished, eyebrows raising. 

 

Isak flushed. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at making friends.” 

 

Sana smiled, knowingly. “Me neither. Which is why you and I are officially buds.” 

 

“We’re not buds.” Isak huffed out, nervously but froze when he saw her death stare. “Okay, fine, we’re buds.” 

 

“Great.” Sana smiled. “Now, show me what disaster you wrote for this weeks essay.” 

  
  


Isak was in a considerably better mood by the time he got back to the flat, but that was stomped out immediately by the sight of Magnus and some black guy sitting on the couch. They were playing Isak’s PS4, Isak’s Fifa game, and shouting at each other so loudly they barely realized he came through the front door.

 

“Hi?”

 

Magnus glanced up, grinning. “Hey, man! We saved you some tacos, if you’re hungry. They’re in the kitchen.” 

 

Isak said nothing, because he didn’t know what to say. Magnus was a complete moron, he knew that already, but he didn’t think he was this much of an idiot. He dropped his bag onto the floor, letting it thud against the ground.

 

“Dude, our neighbors!” Magnus laughed. 

 

“You’ve been screaming at the game for how long?” Isak snapped. “They’re fine.”

 

Magnus glanced at him again, taking in the cold expression, and paused the game. “Whoa, bro, you okay?”

 

Isak clenched his jaw. “You and some stranger are playing my PS4.” 

 

“Oh.” Magnus blinked. “This is Mahdi. He’s my plug.” 

 

“That’s not—“ Isak pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s not your PS4 to just fucking play whenever you want!” 

 

Magnus deflated a little, glancing guiltily in Mahdi’s direction. “Shit, I didn’t think you’d mind.” 

 

“Because you didn’t ask, asshole!” 

 

“Hey, whoa. No need to call names.” Mahdi spoke up, giving Isak a judgemental look that only made his blood boil more. “He fucked up.”

 

Isak laughed. “Who the fuck are you?”

 

“He’s Mahdi.” Magnus repeated, looking a little helpless.

 

“Exactly.  _ Who?” _ Isak snorted. “I don’t fucking know you. Don’t tell me how to handle my shit.” 

 

Mahdi got to his feet, glaring. Magnus jumped up with him, a hand on his chest. “Hey, come on.” He pleaded. “I’m sorry, Isak. Seriously.”

 

“Are you? Because you do this shit all the fucking time.” Isak pointed out angrily. “You’re constantly eating my food, using my toothpaste, my deodorant, my clothes.”

 

Magnus blushed. “You use my clothes too!” 

 

Isak clenched his jaw. “You’re missing the point!”

 

“My brother and I used to share stuff all the time!” Magnus tried to explain. “I just thought—“

 

“I’m not your fucking brother, Magnus!” 

 

The words hung in the air and Isak almost felt bad about it, after seeing how Magnus flinched back. How hurt he seemed, how his shoulders slumped and the breath seemed to get knocked out of him. Isak almost felt bad, but he pushed the feelings away and instead picked up his bag and shouldered past Magnus. 

 

“Wait, at least eat dinner.” Magnus begged. 

 

Isak answered him by slamming his bedroom door. 

  
  


Isak fumed for a few days. He left the apartment earlier than usual, dodged Magnus at school, ate his dinners in his room. Out of all the people in the world, he had never thought he would have roomed with Magnus. Never. 

 

In fact, he hadn’t even been planning on moving out for university. Jonas had wanted him to, had been urging him to move out of home for years, but Isak always refused. 

 

Until Even dumped him. Until things got worse. Until Jonas wanted to move away from college.

 

Isak didn’t want Magnus for a roommate, but he was lucky to have him. Probably. 

 

He just wished—

 

“I’m sorry about the other day.” Magnus blurted, standing over Isak in the cafeteria. When had he gotten there? “I know you’re pissed because I keep taking your shit and I’m sorry. I’ll be better about it. I’m used to having my brother around and so, yeah. I’m sorry. I know we’re not cool like that.” 

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “It’s whatever, Mags.” 

 

“Right…” He stood there awkwardly, like he wanted to say something.

 

“What?” 

 

Magnus bit his lip. “Well, I bet this guy and he invited us to a Pride party this weekend.” 

 

Isak raised an eyebrow. “Pride is in June.” 

 

“I know.” Magnus sighed. “I think it’s more for fun. I mean, gays can be proud all year ‘round, right?” 

 

“Gays.” Isak echoed, unimpressed.

 

“You know what I mean.” Magnus whined. “Will you come?”

 

Usually, Isak would’ve said no. Especially after the last party he’d gotten dragged into with Magnus, but he knew he was high strung. Uptight. Stressed. Irritable. Maybe he just needed to get laid, like Even got laid. That’s how everyone moved on in the movies and the tv shows and the books and the copious amounts of articles he’d read. Fuck a little and get over it. 

 

“Yeah. Fine.” Isak shrugged.

 

“Sweet.” Magnus clapped his hands together. “Can I buy you a sandwich?” 

 

Isak glared at him. “I’m good.”

 

“Turkey?” 

 

“I’m good!”

 

Magnus bought him one anyway. 

  
  
  


**(5) Missed Calls from Jonas**

 

**(19) Missed FaceTime Calls from Jonas**

 

**Text From: Jonas**

* * *

 

 

Magnus says you’re not eating. 

Answer your phone. 

 

Magnus is stupid  
Why would you listen to him

Isak

Jonas

Are you eating 

Not as much as him but that’s pretty easy to do  
I don’t need a babysitter jonas

No?

No!

What did you eat today?

A turkey sandwich

That Magnus bought you

So?

I’m just worried

You don’t talk to me

You’re not fucking here!

Okay

I didn’t mean it like that.

Okay

Look, I’m stressed out and Magnus keeps eating all my groceries and I just don’t have an appetite.

I know how you get, Issy

Just eat, even if you’re not hungry

Yes, dad

Love you kiddo :)

Fuck offffffff

:-)

 

—- 

 

Isak showed up to the party with a heavy heart. He couldn’t place the reasoning, couldn’t figure out how he’d gone from being excited about getting laid to wanting to curl into a ball on his bed. What he did know was Magnus was tattling on him to Jonas and if he didn’t go to the party and try to enjoy himself, his best friend would get the full report. 

 

Alcohol sounded like a decent option anyway. 

 

“You guys came!” A guy in a pink wig greeted them, grinning from ear to ear. “How nice.” 

 

Magnus grinned, holding up a six pack. “And we brought beer. And I brought Isak.” 

 

“Our heroes.” He laughed, turning to Isak. “We always run out of beer because some people just don’t bring any at all. It’s so nice to have some consideration for once. I’m Eskild, by the way.”

 

“Isak.” Isak shifted nervously. 

 

Eskild’s eyes lingered on him for a moment before he turned and led them to the kitchen, where they could shove the beer into the fridge. As far as Isak was concerned, it didn’t look like they needed any more alcohol; the fridge was more beer than food. 

 

“So are you bi too?” The older man asked, sipping some drink he had in a red solo cup. “Isak?”

 

“Too?” 

 

Eskild nodded. “Like Magnus?”

 

Isak froze. “Wait, what?” 

 

Magnus was blushing, staring between the two like he’d just been caught in the act. 

 

“Oh no.” Eskild mumbled to himself.

 

“Why are you lying to him?” Isak asked, annoyed. 

 

Magnus shrunk back. “It’s not a  _ total _ lie.” 

 

“You don’t like guys!”

 

“I might!” Magnus argued. 

 

Eskild laughed. “You two are so cute.” 

 

Isak’s head snapped in his direction, jaw clenched. “We are  _ not _ a couple.”

 

“Is he always so moody?” Eskild asked Magnus, squinting. 

 

Magnus barked out a laugh. “Always.”

 

“This is why I hate you.” Isak told his roommate, taking another swig of his beer. “In case you were confused. This is why.”

  
  


As annoyed as he wanted to be, it was a pretty good party. Eskild was pushy, but he was kind. He could dance with Isak one minute, twirling the younger man under his arm, then go help a puking freshman the next. Isak had never seen anyone multitask so easily. 

 

There were cute guys there too. One named Nils that Isak had let stand too-close, let his lips brush against the shell of his ear and let his leg slip between his own. Isak let Nils get him a drink, then another. He let Nils run a hand down his side, squeeze his hip. 

 

“You’re so fucking cute.” Nils was telling him, mumbling into his ear. 

 

And Isak? Isak was eating the attention up. He was flushing and giggling and pressing closer, shy as ever. He forgot how nice it was to be complimented, to be noted on. 

 

“When you showed up tonight,” Nils breathed into his ear, moving Isak’s hips so the rolled down against his leg. “I wanted to kiss you. The second I saw you.”

 

Isak was blushing, wrapping an arm around Nils’ neck. “Why don’t you?”

 

Nils pulled back, lips painfully close. “Can I?” 

 

“Please.”

 

Isak wanted to be kissed, to be told how pretty he was. He wanted someone to make him feel good, make him feel wanted. The entire point of leaving his house was to finally get someone lips on him. 

 

And finally, he got Nils’.

 

It was a wet kiss, with too much tongue and insistence. Not enough romance. It was a ‘we are going to fuck’ kiss and Isak wasn’t as fond of those. He preferred ‘you make me happy’ kisses. He missed them. He craved them. He felt empty without them. With every press of Nils’ tongue, he felt the absence of them. The absence of love. Of care. Of hope.

 

He needed to breathe.

 

He had to get out. 

  
  


Isak escaped Nils’ clutches by saying he had to barf, and immediately, all the lust turned into disgust. He tried not to let that bruise his ego, but it did. Everything always did.

 

He took a step outside, raking a hand through his sweaty curls. Why couldn’t he just be normal? Everyone else hooked up all the time, no big deal. Everyone else got over first loves and moved onto new ones. Everyone else was normal.

 

All his life, Isak thought it was being gay that set him apart, but it was something else. Something more broken than who he loved.

 

“Fucking idiot.” Isak whispered to himself, lump rising in his throat. 

 

“Who?”

 

Isak’s head snapped in the direction of the voice. “Even?” 

 

He was standing against the wall, head hung. It was almost eery, how small Even looked. Isak was used to seeing him in bright color, against a blue sky and with a winning smile. He usually saw Even with his head thrown back, a loud laugh barking out of him. Isak related Even to yellow and warmth and happiness. Not to the cold, dark winter night. 

 

“Even, are you alright?” Isak asked gently — or, at least, he tried to. He was a bit drunk so he didn’t know how soft his voice actually was. Probably not.

 

“Why are  _ you _ here?” Even snapped.

 

Isak flinched, because he couldn’t help it, really. “I— I was invited.” 

 

“It’s a pride event.” Even slurred out. “Aren't you scared everyone’s going to find out you’re gay?” The way he said it was mean, like  _ ‘gay’ _ was a bad word. It reminded Isak of how Elias used to say it. Back then. Before. 

 

“I think people know.” Isak shrugged. He felt like crying. Even had never been so fucking cruel.

 

Even snorted. “Right.” 

 

“What’s your problem?” Isak asked, wincing as a gust of wind blew. He wrapped his arms around himself. Fuck, it was freezing. 

 

“You are.” Even flinched, too. He wasn’t even wearing a jacket. “You’re always my problem. You show up fucking everywhere.”

 

Isak sniffed. “We go to the same school. We’re gonna be around people sometimes.”

 

“I don’t want to see you. Ever.” 

 

Another gust of wind blew and chilled Isak as much as his words had. Even curled into himself a little more. Isak tugged off his jacket and moved closer, wrapping it around the older man’s shoulder. “We should get you inside.” 

 

Even groaned, trying to pull away. “Go away, Isak.” 

 

Isak shook his head, helping Even get his arms through and zipping it up. “You’re gonna freeze.” 

 

“So are you.” He sighed, head falling onto Isak’s shoulder. Even’s head turned, nose running along his neck. “You’re gonna be cold.” 

 

They stood like that for a moment, Isak holding Even up by his hips and Even sighing against his neck. If he closed his eyes, it almost felt like they were back in time. Like they were boyfriend’s again, supporting each other again, being together again. Another gust of wind.

 

“Let’s go inside.” Isak stuttered, teeth chattering. 

 

And as they walked in, catching the room and Mikael’s attention. Isak could feel, on his neck, Even whisper a confession that must’ve been meant for someone else. Someone less broken. 

 

“I miss you.”

 

Isak wished. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank ya'll for reading! i hope you like it! let me know whachya thin
> 
> xx zee


	3. i'll blame it on weed

_ “I could stay right here or disappear, and nobody'd even notice at all”. _

 

* * *

 

 

_ I miss you. _

 

_ Isak wished. _

 

“Whoa.” Mikael put a hand on Even’s chest to keep him from falling over, eyebrows knit with concern before he glanced back at Isak. “Did he take something?” 

 

Isak shook his head awkwardly, still reeling.  _ I miss you. _ “I don’t think so. I just found him outside. He’s probably just had too much to drink, he’s kind of a lightweight.” He explained, his own words slurring a little. “Just get him some water.” Isak paused, wincing at how bossy he must’ve sounded. “Please?” 

 

Mikael didn’t seem to mind; he grinned. “Sure, man. How about you come too, you look like you could use a breather.” 

 

Isak was about to protest, make up some excuse to escape and find his own, stumbling way back to his apartment when Mutta put a hand on his back. He pushed Isak gently into the kitchen, without saying a word, and Isak let him. He wasn’t nearly as drunk as Even, but he was drunk enough not to argue. Out of it enough to let someone take care of him, even if it was one of Even’s new friends.

 

“Did you take your pills today, Ev?” Mutta asked calmly, getting two glasses out and filling them with water.

 

Isak blinked at that, confused. His pills?

 

“I’m fine.” Even grumbled. Mikael was sitting on the counter while the taller man stood in front of him, leaning his entire weight onto his shoulder. “Just drank too much.” 

 

_ I miss you. _

 

Isak was leaning against the fridge, staring down at his shoes. He wondered if Even had meant it for him, or maybe for Mikael. After all, he had just said he never wanted to see Isak. Maybe he meant he missed the old him, the way he used to be before it all went to shit. Isak understood; he missed that version of himself too. 

 

The alcohol had finally caught up with him, he felt dizzy on his feet. Head too heavy, vision blurred. It was like he stepped inside the house and crashed instantly. Maybe he just needed to eat something. Maybe he could do that. Maybe he could eat and  _ then _ making his stumbling way home, away from Even’s friends and Even’s boyfriend and _ Even. _ Maybe.

 

“What are you doing in here?” Nils was in front of him, an eyebrow raised and a smile curving on his lips. “Thought you had to puke?”

 

Isak swallowed, trying to find his words. “I did.”

 

“You puked?” Nils asked, leaning close to Isak again. 

 

“Uhm…” He looked down, inspecting his shoes. It was pathetic, it had to be, to act like he was. It wasn’t like he even wanted to make out with Nils anymore, but he felt like he was in trouble for having a guy flirt with him in front of his ex. How did that make sense? Especially with Even’s head buried in his boyfriend’s neck? Isak  _ wished _ he could be so casual. “Yeah?”

 

“You don’t sound so sure.” Nils chuckled. 

 

Isak shrugged, swallowing. “Sorry.”

 

“First years are so fucking weird.” Nils snorted, a hand finding Isak’s waist. “You wanna come home with me or not?”

 

“Not.” Another person spoke up before Isak found his words, shoving Nils’ shoulder so he stumbled away from Isak. “He needs to drink some water and sober up. Go try to fuck someone more sober.” 

 

_ Elias.  _ Sana’s brother. Even’s friend. 

 

“You okay, Isak?” 

 

Isak blinked at him. He wasn’t okay. Nothing was ever okay. He wanted to go home. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to stop feeling like the only moves he made were steps backwards. He wanted to stop feeling like he was losing the breakup. Even had a boyfriend and new friends and a life and Isak had  _ fucking  _ Magnus. 

 

“Isak?” Even spoke up when Isak just stared, a drunken concern lacing his voice. “Water.” He told Mutta, who seemed to instantly have a cup in his hand as he brought it to Isak’s lips. 

 

“Are you always such a lightweight?” Elias teased. 

 

Isak shrugged. “Not always.” Only when the love of his life told him he never wanted to see him, then claimed he missed him. If it was for him. They were both too drunk. It didn’t matter.

 

“Liar.” Even huffed.

 

“So are you.” Isak grumbled, not looking up at him as he sipped the water. “Lightest weight in the whole world.” 

 

Elias laughed. “He’s right, Ev, you have no room to talk.” 

 

“Fuck you.” Even mumbled. 

 

“Are you here with anyone?” Mutta spoke up. 

 

Isak groaned, throwing his head back and banging it against the fridge. “Shit, ouch.”

 

“Is that a yes?” Elias asked, laughing a little. 

 

“Fucking  _ Magnus.” _ Isak grumbled. 

  
  


“Isak?” When he opened his eyes again, it was to see Eskild in his pink wig standing in front of him, rubbing a cold hand on the back of Isak’s neck. “Are you alright?” 

 

“Mhm.” 

 

Eskild didn’t look like he believed him. “You should lay down.”

 

“Wanna go home.” Isak mumbled miserably, hiding his face in the older man’s chest because he was drunk and touch starved and there were people taking care of him without having to be asked. It was a nice feeling; it felt like maybe they cared. “Magnus can take me”

 

“Magnus is too drunk to go home either.” Eskild told him. “You can just sleep in my room.”

 

“Do you need help with him?” Isak heard someone ask. Probably Elias. 

 

Isak fell asleep to the feeling of fingers brushing through his curls. 

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up to someone’s arms wrapped around his waist, holding him close to their chest. For a moment, Isak pushed back against their chest before the rest of his brain turned on and took in the soft snore and drooling on the back of his neck. He sat up, shoving the guy off of him in the process. 

 

“What the fuck?” Isak groaned, cradling his pulsing head in his hands. “Jesus, fuck.” 

 

“Why are you freaking out?” The guy next to him - Eskild, of all people - groaned. “Go back to bed.”

 

Isak shook his head and scrambled out of the bed. “Where are my pants? What the fuck?”

 

“You took them off before getting in bed last night.” Eskild explained, an arm thrown over his eyes. “Now will you please shut up? It’s too early for this shit.”

 

“It’s ten.” Isak corrected when he found his pants and phone. “I skipped class, fuck. I’m so fucked.” 

 

Finally, Eskild sat up on his elbows and stared at Isak for a long moment. “How does coffee sound?” 

 

Isak glanced up at him. “Are you trying to flirt?”

 

“Ha, _ no.”  _ Eskild snorted, getting out of bed. He was only wearing boxers; Isak averted his gaze. “Sorry to say you’re not my type, first year. How do you take your coffee?” 

 

“Strong.” 

 

“Man after my own heart.” Eskild snorted, pulling on what looked like a silk robe. “Come on, baby gay.” 

 

Isak blinked, tugging on his pants as he followed the other man out of the room. “Baby gay? I’m not a baby.”

 

“Or gay?”

 

“No,” Isak followed him into the kitchen, stopping short when he saw it was filled with people. “I’m…” 

 

“Gay?” Elias offered with a grin. He was at the stove, making eggs with sour cream. Mutta was also there, his curls all over the place as he sipped orange juice. 

 

Then, of course, Magnus, stuffing his face. “I didn’t know you were out, Isak.” 

 

Eskild leaned over Elias’ shoulder, inspecting the eggs. “Are any of those for me, by chance?” He asked sweetly. 

 

“Uh,” Elias smiled shyly. “Do you want any? These are scrambled but I can make you something else, if you want.”

 

“These are perfect. What’s your name again?” 

 

“Elias.”

 

He grinned. “Eskild.” 

 

Mutta was staring at Isak, looking tired. “Hungover?”

 

“Very.” Isak admitted. 

 

“Me too.” Magnus spoke up.

 

Isak glared at him. “ _ You _ suck.” 

 

“What?” Magnus squacked. “Why do I suck? I don’t suck.” 

 

“Every party you take me to ends in a fucking disaster.” Isak told him angrily, leaning against the counter and taking the cup of coffee Mutta got him. “Thanks…” 

 

Mutta hummed.

 

Magnus deflated a little. “I thought you had fun.” 

 

Isak glared. “I don’t get why Even has to be at  _ every _ party we go to.” 

 

“That wasn’t on purpose!”

 

“Nei?” 

 

“Nei!” 

 

“What’s the story with Even?” Eskild asked, glancing between the two of them with a smile. “Which one is he?” 

 

“The tall, drunk blonde from last night.” Mutta explained. 

 

Eskild laughed. “You mean other than grumpy pants over here?” 

 

“The  _ other _ tall, drunk blonde.” Elias laughed. “He’s my friend. They used to date or something.”

 

So Even had told them. He didn’t know how to feel about that. As far as Even knew, Isak was still in the closet, right? So why would he out him to all his friends? Isak didn’t care, not really, but he thought it was weird. Meaner than Even would usually be. 

 

“Really?” Eskild asked, eyes going wide. 

 

“Or something.” Isak shrugged. 

 

As annoyed as he was with Magnus, with Eskild, with the world, Isak was surprised to find he liked them. He liked sitting in the kitchen, sipping coffee and laughing as Elias and Mutta told stories about Magnus’ antics the night before. He liked watching Elias try to flirt with Eskild and Eskild be oblivious to it. He liked the company. Isak had almost forgotten entirely what it was like to actually enjoy being around a group of people. 

 

By the time he left to try to catch his last class, Isak was in a better mood than he’d been in a long time. 

 

* * *

 

 

“I brought you lunch.” Sana announced, sitting down across from him at the table and sliding him a tupperware box. “It’s Moroccan.” 

 

Isak raised an eyebrow, mouth quirking up. “You cooked for me?”

 

Sana snorted. “Nei. I don’t cook. My mom made too much, so. Now you can have some. Isn’t that nice?” 

 

“Very nice.” Isak hummed. “Too nice. Who are you and what have you done with Sana?” 

 

Without warning, Elias sat down next to his sister. “Is that ours?” He asked curiously, eyeing Isak’s food. “You’re giving away our food.” 

 

“We had leftovers.” Sana shrugged. 

 

Mutta plopped down next to Isak, offering him a juice silently. 

 

“Uh, thanks.” Isak mumbled, eyebrows knitting together as the rest of the boys sat down. Including Even. 

 

“Why are you guys sitting here?” Sana asked, eyes rolling. 

 

“Because Isak’s cool.” Mutta shrugged.

 

“I am?” Isak blinked, cheeks going a little red. 

 

“You are.” Elias, Mutta, and Sana told him in unison. 

 

Sana huffed. “Elias, stop trying to steal my friends.” 

 

“I didn’t steal him!” He argued. “We bonded. Didn’t we, Isak?” 

 

Everyone’s eyes were on him, staring expectantly. Isak glanced around the table, eyes landing on Even and lingering there. He didn’t know what he thought about it, becoming friends with Even’s friends. Was it allowed? Was he crossing a line? Was Even going to kill him? 

 

Did he care, if it meant he got to sit at the same table every day? 

 

“Sure, Elias.” Isak smirked. “We bonded about as much as you did with Eskild.” 

 

Mutta snorted. 

 

“Mean.” Elias told Isak, pointing his fork at him. “And cruel. That’s what you are.” 

 

“I mean, he’s kind of got a point.” Mutta explained. 

 

Sana raised her eyebrows. “You’ve got a crush on who now?” 

 

Elias shook his head. “It’s confidential. Isak, buddy, look at me? You do  _ not  _ tell my sister these things.” 

 

“So this is a thing now?” Even asked, glancing between Isak and Elias. He looked a little uncomfortable, but not angry. Just perplexed, like he was trying to figure out where and when the wind had shifted. Truthfully, so was Isak. 

 

“Isak, are you going to eat all of that?” Mikael interrupted, looking at Isak hopefully. 

 

“Oh.” He swallowed, glancing down at the food. Isak hadn’t even touched it yet. “Nah, if you want it-” He started to slide it across the table to him, but Even stopped him and pushed it right back in front of him. 

 

“Even!” Mikael whined. 

 

“Let him eat.” Even told him. “I’ll buy your lunch. Come on.” 

 

Mikael groaned, letting Even drag him away. “But it’s Mama Bakkoush’s cooking!” 

 

Isak laughed awkwardly. “Maybe you should bring him some instead.” 

 

Sana rolled her eyes. “Don’t stress about him. He just likes things that don’t belong to him.” 

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Did you hook up with anyone?” Mahdi was asking Magnus, passing a joint between them.

 

Magnus sputtered. “Last night? I mean. No. Not that I didn’t want to. Or, y’know, couldn’t.” He went on nervously. “I just got drunk. Danced. It was more about having fun than anything else.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Mahdi laughed. “Take your hit.”

 

Isak hung up his bag and slipped off his shoes before joining them. “Can I have one?” He asked.

 

“I don’t know, are you going to start shouting again?” Mahdi asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

 

“I don’t know, have you used my things without my permission again?” Isak shot back, taking the joint from Magnus’ lips anyway. 

 

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Why are you so annoying?”

 

“Funny.” Isak blew smoke into his face. “I’m always asking myself the same question about you.”

 

“Fuck off.” Mags groaned before turning back to Mahdi. “I dunno. There were cute guys there.”

 

Mahdi raised his eyebrows, taking the joint from Isak. “And?”

 

“And what?”

 

“Did you want to put your mouth on their dicks?” Mahdi asked bluntly.

 

Isak groaned. “Okay, that’s my cue. Goodnight.” He waved them off, and went to his room. If he was lucky, Jonas was still awake and at home and available to talk. Isak tugged out his phone, about to press the FaceTime button when his eyes landed on his bed.

 

“Jonas?”

 

“Hey.” His best friend grinned at him fondly from where he sat on his bed. “Surprise?”

 

Maybe it was all the social interaction he’d gone through over the last forty eight hours, but seeing his best friend on his bed instead of through a screen felt euphoric. Isak had spent the last few months, since Jonas left, trying to be okay. He tried to cover up every anxiety, every panic attack, every tear. Every day that he went drinking too much coffee and forgetting to eat. He’d been trying to hide himself from his best friend, even more than usual. 

 

Jonas was in his room, though, and Isak could never hide himself when they were together. He’d never been able to. 

 

“Fuck.” He whispered shakily, throwing himself at his best friend and hugging him tightly. “What are you doing here?” 

 

“I decided to come for the weekend.” Jonas told him, hugging him back just as tightly. “See Mamma and my siblings.” 

 

Isak pulled back. “And me?” 

 

“And you.” 

 

“It’s Thursday.” 

 

Jonas shrugged. “My grades are fine.” 

 

Isak laughed. “Is this because of what Magnus said? About me not eating?” 

 

“Well, what have you eaten today?” Jonas asked, eyebrows raising. 

 

“Scrambled eggs for breakfast, Moroccan for lunch.” Isak explained, glad he didn’t have to lie for once. “You need to stop spying on me.” 

 

“You need to start telling me shit.” Jonas punched his arm. “Kebab?” 

 

_ Kebab.  _

 

Isak came out to Jonas at a kebab place. He and Even had just broken up, the whole thing blowing up in his face entirely. At first, he’d shut down and stayed inside his room for the first two weeks of summer. Jonas called him non-stop, texted him, showed up at the house. Isak hid from him, hid from life. 

 

Never before had he felt so alone. 

 

Then, one day, after no sleep and on an impulse, he asked Jonas to meet him for a kebab. 

 

_ “I’m gay.” Isak whispered shakily, staring down at his kebab. “... And Even dumped me.”  _

 

_ “Even?” Jonas echoed. “Why?” _

 

_ Isak flinched. “I don’t know. I liked him, I guess. I didn’t really think about it and I guess it was stupid -” _

 

_ “No.” Jonas put a hand on his shoulder, forcing Isak to finally meet his eyes. “Why did he dump you?”  _

 

_ “I couldn’t tell anyone.” Isak whispered.  _

 

_ Jonas stared at him for a long moment before setting his kebab aside and fully turning towards Isak. “You tell people in your own time. You don’t have to tell anyone just because you’re dating some guy, okay? This is your thing, your life. You need to tell people when you feel okay telling people.”  _

 

_ Isak swallowed, nodded.  _

 

_ “Isak?”  _

 

_ “Yeah?” _

 

_ Jonas grinned. “I’m so proud of you, bro.”  _

  
  


Kebabs were special. Kebabs were healing. They’d gone again when Jonas broke the news about moving to Sweden. They were an Isak and Jonas thing. 

 

“So, what’s been going on?” Jonas asked. “For real.” 

 

Isak shrugged. “Not much, really. Class, reading. I have a job in the computer lab.” 

 

“Any new friends?” Jonas pried. 

 

“Do _ you  _ have any new friends?” Isak shot back. 

 

Jonas smirked. “Plenty. And a girlfriend.” 

 

“What?” Isak’s eyes went wide. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I just did!” 

 

Isak gave him a look. “What’s she like?”

 

Jonas looked right back at him. “I’ll tell you after you tell me about your new friends.”

 

So, he did. He told Jonas about Sana and how funny she was. How she was smarter than him, corrected him on every little thing. She brought him lunch, because she must’ve noticed he didn’t eat it often and that felt important. He complained about Magnus stealing his shit and barging into his room. 

 

“It wouldn’t bug you if I did it.” Jonas laughed.

 

“I know, but he just pisses me off.” Isak huffed. “And evidently he’s bi?”

 

“That’s not shocking.” 

 

Isak gapped at him. “No?”

 

“No.” Jonas snorted. “He’s had a crush on Even for forever.”

 

Isak groaned. “Gross.” 

 

They talked about Even’s new friends, about his new boyfriend. He explained how eccentric Eskild was, but how cool he was. He talked about how they’d all had lunch together, Isak and Even’s friends. Elias and Mutta thinking he was cool. 

 

“Even was cool with that?” Jonas raised an eyebrow. “I thought he was pissed.”

 

“He was, but I guess they didn’t really give him a choice in it.” Isak shook his head. “It’s weird. I feel like I stole his friends or something.” 

 

Jonas rolled his eyes. “You didn’t. You’re allowed to share friends. You share Mags.”

 

“Still feels weird.”

 

“Well, yeah. I wouldn’t want to have lunch with my ex and their new boyfriend.” Jonas sighed. “So why are you?”

 

Isak shrugged. “Why not?”

 

“Is it healthy? To be around him?”

 

“I dunno.” He sighed.

 

Jonas purses his lips. “Did he apologize for what he said at the party the other night?”

 

“No, but—“

 

“Don’t defend him.”

 

“He’s allowed to not like me.” Isak insisted.

 

Jonas rolled his eyes. “He’s not allowed to treat my best friend like that.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next day at lunch, Jonas was sitting at their usual table with Magnus when Isak and Sana showed up. He grinned, eyebrows raising when Isak gave him an exasperated look. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Isak asked, unable to stop the smile that curved onto his lips.

 

“Curly.” Sana greeted, pulling tupperware out of her bag and handing it off to Isak. “Are you back?”

 

Jonas watched her carefully, sizing her up the way Isak was sure he was going to do to everyone for the rest of the day. “Just visiting. Sana?” She nodded. “Jonas, the best friend.” 

 

Sana smirked. “Funny. He rarely talks about you.” 

 

“Sounds like a lie.” Jonas snorted. 

 

“Who’s the eyebrows?” Adam asked, sitting down next to Magnus and stealing one of his fries. 

 

Isak frowned. “Don’t call him that. This is Jonas, my best friend.” 

 

“I thought Magnus was your best friend.” Adam hummed, nodding to Jonas.

 

“Ha, _no._ Never. Magnus is my roommate.” Isak snorted. 

 

Magnus laughed, the sound sharp. “Yeah. No one can replace Jonas.” 

 

The rest of the guys sat down. Elias next to Isak, Yousef next to Sana. Mutta next to Jonas. Mikael and Even smooshed together at the end. Everyone seemed to get along with Jonas, because he was funny guy. A charming guy, who made everyone laugh and knew a little bit about everything, so he could talk about anything. Everyone liked him. 

 

Except maybe Even, who was receiving the death glare from Jonas the whole time. And Jonas, who was usually very chill, couldn’t stop taking jabs. 

 

“Jean jackets are ridiculous. They don’t even keep you warm. They’re just hipster bullshit.” 

 

“What’s the the quiff Even? You not tall enough or something?”

 

“You know he went to Nissen because he couldn’t get into Bakka, right? His films weren’t pretentious enough.”

 

Everyone laughed, nudging Even as if they were really all jokes. The thing was, Even and Jonas used to be friends. They used to hang out at parties and smoke and go to the skatepark. They’d talk about film and philosophy and the world. They used to get along so well. Used to. Before Isak had fucked everything up. 

 

“You know, most guys break up with people in person but Even’s his own special brand of asshole.” 

 

No one laughed. No one nudged Even. 

 

Jonas pinned him with a glare, making sure the older man knew that Jonas knew. And now everyone else knew, too. Isak hadn’t wanted his embarrassment laid out for everyone to see. Neither had Even, it seemed, by how fast he jumped up. 

 

“Not cool.” Isak grumbled at his best friend, getting up too. “Even?”He followed him out a side door, tripping over his own feet. “Hey, hold on!”

 

Even stopped abruptly, turning on his heel so fast Isak nearly ran into him. _“What?’_

 

“It’s just… He shouldn’t have done that.” Isak mumbled. 

 

“But he did.” Even reminded him coldly. “He did do that.” 

 

Isak swallowed. He didn’t like cold Even. He didn’t like dealing with someone angry and mean, especially when he was so used to Even being kind, warm, sweet. Caring. Isak didn’t know how to handle it. He didn't know how to stomach the fact that it was him who had done this, to one of the nicest people Isak had ever known. He'd turned him cruel. Maybe it was his talent. 

 

“I didn’t even know he knew.” Even laughed, bitter.

 

Isak swallowed. “I didn’t know Elias knew.” 

 

At that, Even paused, looking the younger man over slowly. “He doesn’t know everything.”

 

“He knows enough to know I’m not straight.” Isak accused, voice wavering. “Why can’t I tell Jonas?”

 

“You can. That’s not the problem.” Even groaned, turning away from him and walking away again. “You always make _everything_ about you.” 

 

Isak flinched, following after him. “It’s about _us._ I’m not mad at you for telling your friends. Why can’t I tell mine?” 

 

“Because, Isak,” Even snapped. “You’ve told him the version where you’re an innocent angel who got hurt by some crazy guy. And we both know that’s not what fucking happened.” 

 

Isak grabbed his jacket by his elbow, pulling Even to a stop. “I didn’t say that.” 

 

“No?”

 

“No.” Isak mumbled, feeling a little close to tears. “I know it’s my fault that we… I know I fucked up and I’m... “ He dropped his gaze, unable to look Even in the eye. “I moved out.” 

 

Even was silent for a too-long moment before reaching out to run his thumb gently over Isak’s cheekbone. _I miss you._ “That’s great, Isak.” 

 

Isak finally looked up, relieved to find Even smiling at him. Just a little. A start. “I’m sorry.” He blurted. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come out for you. I’m sorry I made you feel like shit. I’m sorry I stole your friends and Jonas was a dick at lunch. I’m sorry for being a loser that -” 

 

_“Isak.”_ Even breathed, wrapping him in a hug that felt too-right. Too perfect. Too good.  Isak missed him so fucking much. “Stop. Please, stop.” 

 

He exhaled, wrapping his arms around Even’s waist. “I’m _so_ sorry.” 

 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Even whispered into his hairline. “I was just being a dick. I was being selfish. It was never your fault.” He promised gently, rubbing Isak’s back. “You’re not a loser.”

 

“You’re not a dick or selfish.” Isak told him. “Or crazy.” 

 

Even pulled back, letting go of Isak entirely and making his head spin a little. “... I’ll see around, okay?” 

 

Then he smiled. An Even Bech Naeshiem original that left Isak’s knees weak and mouth dry. 

 

_ Come back,  _ Isak wished.

 

* * *

 

 

“Are you mad at me?” Jonas asked, chewing the inside of his cheek. 

 

Isak swallowed thickly. “No.”

 

“Is…”

 

“I’m not.” He promised. “I get it. I would’ve done the same thing for you. It’s just that… It wasn’t his fault.” 

 

Jonas rolled his eyes. “He was pressuring you to come out, of course it’s his fault.”

 

“No, he wasn’t.” Isak shook his head. “He wanted me to, but I couldn’t.” 

 

“That’s the same thing.” 

 

“It’s not.” Isak insisted. “... He knew how much it sucked, living at home. He knew how much it sucked to hide being gay. He knew how much it sucked to hide...us. He wanted me to come out to help  _ me,  _ not to help him.”

 

Jonas nodded slowly. “... I’ll text him. Say I’m sorry.” 

 

Isak nodded, too. “He’d like that.”

 

They stood there awkwardly for a moment before hugging, tight as ever. “I’m gonna miss you so much.” Jonas whispered. “I hate going to school without you, it’s so fucking weird.”

 

“I’ll miss you too.” Isak sighed. “So fucking much, you have no idea.” 

 

“Do too.” 

 

Isak let out a watery laugh. “Tell your mom I said hi.” 

 

“Yeah, man.” Jonas sighed, finally pulling away and wiping his eyes. “Anything for you.”

 

“Shut up.” Isak snorted. 

 

“It’s true!”

 

Isak rolled his eyes. 

 

“And…” Jonas scratched the back of his head, awkwardly. “Before I go.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You need to be nicer to Mags.”

 

Isak scoffed.

 

“No, bro, hear me out.” Jonas shook his head. “He didn’t have to move out of his house. He moved in with you because I asked him to, so you wouldn’t be by yourself or with randoms and shit. He loves you, Is. You gotta stop being a dick to him.”

 

Isak nodded, head hanging. “Yeah… Sorry. He just pisses me off.” 

 

“Yeah, well.” Jonas shrugged. “You piss me off too. But he’s just moved out of his home for the first time for his roommate to treat him like shit constantly. Be cool, okay?”

 

“Okay.” 

 

_ Okay. _

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay HEY thank you so much for reading pals!!!
> 
> i'm a bit tipsy whilst updating and writing this last bit so maybe it sucks but!!! i figured i was so close to finishing i might as well go for it. i tried to give you a lil more insight into what's been going on with the boyzzz. i also realized i don't write even and isak together very often (will be fixed in the upcoming chapter)
> 
> anyway, let me know what you think (unless you're gonna be a dick, then don't)


	4. ignoring all our history

_ “memories get erased, and I'll get replaced, with a newer, cooler version of me” _

 

* * *

 

 

Even was standing across the room, laughing at something Yousef was saying. They were looking at something on a laptop, grinning brightly as they spoke to one another. It was probably about some film they had been assigned for class, or maybe a funny picture of Elias. Something that made Even’s eyes disappear when he smiled and his head fall back. Something great. 

 

Isak was staring from where he sat at the opposing end of the library. He knew, in his head, that he shouldn’t still be pining. They were friends now, sort of. At least, their friends were friends and so they sat together at lunch and hung out in the same apartments. They went to the same parties and bars. They laughed at the same inside jokes. They were akin to friends, almost friends, next to being friends. 

 

Friend adjacent.

 

For awhile, he’d been okay. He’d swallowed the heavy pill that they just would never be the same again. But that before Even and Mikael broke up. 

 

It was subtle. They stopped sitting together at lunch, Mikael ate just a bit less and Even constantly sent him worried glances. At first, Isak had thought they were just in a fight or something. Then, Mikael stopped him at a party one night. 

 

> _ “Does he always do this?” Mikael asked, slurring and gripping Isak’s arms tightly.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Isak blinked. “Do what?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Just end it like it never mattered?” He asked, the words coming out in a whimper and  _ **_god,_ ** _ Isak never wanted to feel bad for Mikael but he did. He’d been in those same shoes before, wondering if he had ever mattered to Even at all. It was a miserable feeling, losing someone so fucking amazing in a painful instant.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “You know it mattered…” Isak found himself saying, touching Mikael’s arm gently. “He’s not an asshole.” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Mikael’s lower lip trembled before he wrapped Isak in a hug and sobbed into his chest. And what could Isak do but comfort him? Comfort him and pretend he couldn’t see Even staring at them from the corner of his eye.  _

 

So things had ended between Even and Mikael and he wondered what that meant. If that meant maybe Even missed him too, if he stared when Isak wasn’t looking. If he still loved Isak, too. 

 

_ Love _ seemed like a too-strong word, now, though. 

 

Love was meant for people who understood one another and Isak didn’t get Even. He never understood what was going through his head or why he did things. He didn’t know what Even did in his sketchbook or what inspired his movies. Isak wanted to know everything about him, but the fact of the matter was that he didn’t. 

 

He was pining, he wanted Even, but Isak didn’t think he loved him. At least not in the way Even deserved to be loved. 

 

“You’re staring at him again.” Sana told him as she sat down, jolting him out of his thoughts.  “What did you get on the last essay?”

 

Isak sighed heavily, sitting back against his chair. “I got a six.” He told her, gesturing to the paper in front of him. “You?”

 

Sana gave him a look. “A six. Obviously.” 

 

“Obviously.” Isak smirked. “You know, since our grades are so good, we probably don’t need to study this much.” 

 

“We get these grades  _ because _ we study so much.” Sana corrected him, pulling out her laptop. “And the view is nice, isn’t it?” She teased. 

 

Isak flushed, busying himself by opening his own laptop. “I mean, yeah, Yousef is good looking.” 

 

Sana froze for a half-second, her own cheeks coloring. “Shut up.” 

 

“Oh, so you can dish it out, but you can’t take it?” Isak teased, laughing. 

 

Sana scowled playfully. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

 

“Oh, sure.” Isak grinned, watching her with a thoughtful gaze. “You know, I’m sure he likes you too.” 

 

“I’m not discussing this with you.” Sana told him, a smile playing at her lips anyway. 

 

Isak adored Sana, although he’d never tell her that. In his entire life, he didn’t think he’d ever known anyone as similar to him as she was. In work ethic, in the way she dealt with problems, in how much she cared for her friends. She was great  _ and _ she had a very obvious crush on Yousef.

 

When Isak looked up to see if Yousef was watching them, he met Even’s eyes instead. They both looked away immediately. 

 

* * *

 

 

> _ “Where are we going?” Isak laughed as Even tugged him down the street. He was pretty sure his feet weren’t even touching the ground by how fast Even was dragging him - he felt a bit like he was flying. “Even!” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Come on, come on.” Even just laughed.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Even never answered questions. He moved too fast to answer questions. Instead, he let Isak wonder until they got to wherever they were going. Whether it was a film screening or a play or a concert Isak had never been to, Even was constantly taking Isak to see new, exciting things. Isak loved every minute of it.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ They ended up in a back alley, where jazz music echoed off the walls. Even let go of Isak’s hand and spun around, gesturing to the air with a grin. “See?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Isak raised an eyebrow, smiling. “See what?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “The music?” Even bit his lip. “Can you hear it?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Yeah?” Isak took a step towards him, head cocked to the side. “What about it?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “It’s the best jazz music in Oslo.” Even explained, putting his hands on Isak’s waist when he got close enough. “You’re too young to go in, so we’ll have to listen from out here.” He breathed, pressing their foreheads together and brushing Isak’s nose with his own. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Okay.” Isak grinned, wrapping his arms around Even’s neck.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ That night, they danced to muffled jazz music until Isak’s Pappa started calling.  _

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh, Isak won’t mind.” Magnus shouted from inside the apartment.

 

Isak was standing outside the front door, trying decide if he really wanted to enter after hearing that. Things had been better with Magnus after Jonas had left; they had dinners together, they played fifa on Saturdays, and Magnus had even gotten Isak to watch Brooklyn 99 every week on Hulu. They had become better friends and even better roommates.

 

That was, if Magnus wasn’t letting other people use his things. 

 

“I dunno, Mags.” Mahdi said. “He’s usually tired when he gets back.”

 

“It’ll be fine.” Magnus insisted. 

 

Well, even Isak couldn’t resist making that entrance. He unlocked the door and swung it open, preparing himself for the worst. All he found was… Well, a party. Even’s whole group was there, including Even himself. Magnus and Mahdi. Sana and a blonde girl sat on the couch with Eskild. It was everyone Isak knew at university… In his apartment. 

 

“Uh, hi?” He mumbled, glancing around at everyone. 

 

“I invited some people over.” Magnus told him proudly. 

 

“I see that.” Isak mumbled, shrugging off his bag and hanging it up with his jacket. “Who’s birthday it?”

 

Eskild scoffed from his place on the couch. “Do we need a reason to celebrate?”

 

“On a Wednesday?” Isak laughed. “Yes. Sana, how did you agree to this?”

 

“I never turn down a good party.” Sana smiled, sipping her juice. 

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “Okay, whatever. Where’s the beer?”

 

Everyone got quiet at that, glancing around at each other. Isak glared at Magnus. “You didn’t buy beer?” 

 

“I forgot!” 

 

“Then, go get it.”  Isak gestured to the door. 

 

Magnus glanced at Mahdi. “Well, Even said he had some at his place he could bring.” 

 

“Okay.”

 

“And,” Magnus continued. “He needs someone to go with him to get it.” 

 

Isak’s eyebrows shot up, gaze snapping to Even. Even, who just shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. As if he didn’t know their friends were trying to force them together in some weird attempt to get them together. “... And none of your arms work?” 

 

“They thought your arms would be best.” Even told Isak, biting the inside of his cheek to hide what Isak was sure was a smile. 

 

The thought of being alone with Even, for the first time in a month, put butterflies in his stomach. But Isak couldn’t help but glance at Mikael, who was talking to Eskild animatedly and didn’t seem bothered at all by the new development. Maybe it wasn’t a ploy to get them alone, maybe that was just Isak’s wishful thinking. 

 

He huffed, grabbing the jacket he’d _ just  _ taken off. “Let’s go, then.”

  
  


Even, as Isak remembered him, was smiling and vibrant. He made jokes and flirted and was kind to everyone around him. He loved intensely, pressed Isak into walls and into closets just to get the two of them alone together. Even hummed along to music, whether he wore headphones or not. He stopped Isak constantly to take a video or picture of him. He tugged on Isak’s curls playfully. 

 

Now, as they walked to Even’s to get the beer, he was quiet. Subdued. Unaffected. It didn’t make sense with who he had been, just a few months before. He used to be so happy, and it was like a light in him had gone out. Or, maybe that’s just how he was around Isak. 

 

“Do you hear that?” Isak smiled suddenly, stopping in his tracks. Even walked a few more steps before stopping too, raising his eyebrows at him. “Do you?”

 

There was jazz music playing softly, somewhere in the distance. Whoever was playing the saxophone was having a lot of fun, going up high before taking the band back down to the low notes. Isak bit his lip, watching Even’s reaction carefully. 

 

“They’re good.” Even hummed, nodding his head to the music. 

 

Isak smiled fondly, watching Even listen to the music. He looked happy, like this; standing in the middle of the sidewalk on a cold night, listening to jazz. So maybe Even really did have that light in him still. Good. Even if it wasn’t Isak’s to see, he was glad it was there. 

 

“Wanna dance?” Even asked suddenly, eyes opening and startling Isak. He was smiling.

 

“With you?” He flushed. 

 

Even’s smile fell and whatever the music had done to him disappeared. His shoulders went up and he shrugged. “Nevermind.” He grumbled, turning on his heel and starting down the sidewalk again. “Let’s get the beer.”

 

Isak’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “But…”

 

“But what?” Even sighed, stopping to watch Isak again. He looked so tired. 

 

Isak swallowed, trying to find a way to save the moment. “You’re supposed to bow when you ask someone to dance.” He mumbled, smiling shyly. 

 

Even huffed out a laugh, looking down thoughtfully before he turned to Isak and bowed. He held out a hand. “Want to dance?” 

 

Isak grinned, taking his hand and squeezing. “Nah, we gotta get the beer.” He teased. 

 

“Oh, wow.” Even laughed, straightening and staring at their hands for a moment. “Last time I ask you to dance.”

 

“Don’t lie.” Isak teased, biting his lip. 

 

Even rolled his eyes and released Isak’s hand, still smiling. “Let’s get the damn beer.” 

  
  


Turns out, partying on a Wednesday was a lot of fun. Somehow, Eskild had convinced Isak and Sana to dance. They were laughing and rolling their eyes while he spun the two of them under his arms, both equally enjoying it but pretending they weren’t. 

 

Isak felt more at home than he had in a long time, laughing along with everyone’s jokes, nodding along to music. He couldn’t explain it, but the way everyone else settled around one another settled him, too. He felt lighter and it wasn’t just because of the beer, or because of Even’s smile, or the fact that Sana had won a dance off against Mahdi. It was because of the people. 

 

He excused himself to the kitchen, searching the fridge for another beer, when Eskild appeared at his side. “Do you think he likes me?” 

 

Isak straightened, blinking. “Elias?” 

 

Eskild shrugged, looking nervous for the first time since Isak had met him. It was a good look. 

 

“Elias is  _ so  _ into you.” Isak laughed, cracking open his beer. “He talks about you all the time at university.” 

 

“So… Should I make a move?” Eskild asked, eyes lighting up with their familiar glint. “Or is it weird that his sister’s here?” 

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “Sana won’t care. If you like him, tell him.” He insisted. 

 

Eskild nodded, glancing over his shoulder. “I’m not good at liking people.” He admitted, softly. “Mostly just good at hookups.” 

 

“They’re not that different, are they?” Isak asked, cocking his head to the side. “It’s just… Longer term. And maybe involves food or movies before sex.” 

 

Eskild snorted. “You’re so cute, baby gay.”

 

“Fuck off, I am not.” Isak groaned.

 

“You are. But it’s okay.” Eskild grinned. “Even’s been watching you all night. I think he thinks so too.”

 

Sana went off and had a soft conversation with Yousef. The two looked like they were having fun. Magnus and Mahdi had disappeared into his room and Isak didn’t want to know what was going on. Mikael and Adam went home. Elias and Eskild were in the kitchen, laughing loudly. Mutta was with them, but was watching silently. 

 

Even and Isak were left alone.

 

“Wanna go to the roof?” Isak asked.

 

“Why?” Even asked, eyebrows knit in confusion. 

 

Isak pulled out a joint he knew belonged to Mags.

 

Even grinned. “Deal.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

“It should be weirder, shouldn’t it?” Even asked softly, staring out at Oslo. It was windy and cold, but they stood close together and passed the joint back and forth. Isak couldn’t help but notice the tips of their shoes were touching, pressed together. “Our friends being friends?” 

 

Isak blew out smoke and raised an eyebrow. “You know we used to have the same friends, right?” 

 

“Before.” 

 

Isak shrugged. “I guess. Magnus always liked you, though. He never stopped.” 

 

Even took a hit, hallowing his cheeks sinfully before blowing out the smoke from the side of his mouth. “And what about you?”

 

“Me?”

 

“Did you stop liking me?” Even asked seriously. 

 

Isak swallowed, taking the last hit before tossing it over the roof. He stared out into the distance, at the ski slope on the other side of the city. Anything but at Even. “No, of course not.”

 

Even leaned closer, his breath fanning over Isak’s face. “No?”

 

“No, Ev…” Isak found it in himself to meet the other man’s eye. “I was confused and hurt and… Upset. For a long time. But I couldn’t stop liking you. I know you. I know how good you are. How could I stop?”

 

“I have to tell you something.” Even whispered, voice trembling. “But… You have to let me finish, okay?”

 

Isak swallowed. “Okay.”

 

“I tried to kill myself after we broke up.” Even told him, swallowing thickly. Like the words hurt him. “My head got fucked up and… and your parents were making you feel like shit constantly. And you kept calling your mom crazy and shitty and… you couldn’t sleep because you were worried about her all the time.

 

“And I found out I’m bipolar.” Even whispered, voice getting so quiet Isak had to struggle to hear him. “I was so fucking mad, because I thought we had this great thing going but I was bad for you. And it wasn’t in my control at all—“

 

“Even.” Isak whispered.

 

Even shook his head. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.” He mumbled tearfully. “I was angry that I was crazy, and I was angry that we were perfect but we  _ weren’t  _ because of this and because of your family. I was angry because you kept asking what was wrong but if I told you, you’d leave me.

 

“So I left you and it hurt. I got so depressed and I almost— My dad helped me.” Even wiped a hand over his face. “Then I started here and made new friends and I met Mikael and thought maybe I could be okay. But you looked so fucking sad all the time and over the Summer I guess I decided you hated me. I guess I knew you’d think I wasn’t good enough if you found out what’s wrong with me… I’m sorry for being a dick.”

 

Isak waited a moment, trying to process it all. “You’re good enough.”

 

Even looked over at him. “Isak, I’m sick. Like your mom. My mom has to make sure I take my meds every day, like you had to with yours. I’m… not good enough for you. I’m—“

 

“Don’t talk about my mom like that.” Isak snapped, hands clenched into fists. “Or— Or yourself. I love my mom. I took care of her because I love her and I wanted her to be okay, because my dad wouldn’t help her. He wouldn’t take her to get help. He wanted us to be fake.”

 

“... I know.”

 

Isak shook his head. “No, you don’t. I was miserable because she was getting worse and I was the only one there. Except I had  _ you.  _ You made me so fucking happy.”

 

“But that was before—“

 

“If you have it, you’ve always had it.” Isak snapped. “And I was always grateful to have you.”

 

Even shook his head. “You called her names.”

 

“I’m a fucking piece of shit!” Isak snapped. “Okay? I’m a bad son. I get it.”

 

“I didn’t say that.” 

 

“But it’s true. I wasn’t good enough for  _ her _ . Or for you.” Isak was on the verge of tears, his lower lip trembling. “That was my problem. Not yours. You’re fucking amazing.”

 

Even reached out and hugged him tightly. “Don’t cry.”

 

“I never wanted to make you feel like you had to die.” Isak whispered, hiding his face in his hands. “I loved you.”

 

“Isak.” Evens voice broke, his lips pressed into Isaks curls as he pulled the younger man into his lap. “Oh, baby. Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

Isak shook his head. “I should’ve been there for you. I’m sorry.” 

 

“You can be here now.” Even told him firmly. 

 

* * *

 

 

Isak didn’t know why he thought everything would change overnight. He didn’t know why he thought Even would suddenly sit down next to him at lunch, nudge their legs together like he used to. He didn’t know why he’d let his hopes get up that high. 

 

He also didn’t know why Even didn’t show up at school for the next week. 

 

“Uh, Mutta?” Isak asked softly one day, voice breaking. The rest of the group were talking loudly, making fun of Magnus. 

 

“Hm?” 

 

Isak swallowed nervously. “Is Even okay?” 

 

Mutta pursed his lips, giving Isak an intimidating and intense stare. “I don’t know.” He admitted. “Did you text him?” 

 

“... No. I don’t think I have his number.” Isak lied.

 

Mutta looked confused, but decided not to comment. “I’ll send it to you.”

 

* * *

 

 

To: **Isak, Don’t Call Him!! - J**

 

Hey 

  
Hi? 

You weren't at school. Just wanted to check in with you. 

I'm fine. 

Sick?

I guess. 

Uhhh ok

Magnus tried to hit on Sana at lunch today

What?

yeah it was hilarious

yousef looked like he was going to have a heart attack

Why are you texting me, Isak? 

oh, sorry

do you not want me to?

Why are you?

you said i could be here for you now

thought maybe you meant that

I did. 

Jesus

I just mean

It's weird to talk to you

oh...

well, i can stop

No, don't.

What did Elias do?

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy so. working on empty home as we speak, but i got the idea for this fic yesterday and decided to roll with the punches. hope ya'll like it. it's based on the song "michael in the bathroom", if anyone is interested. the ever-lovely @leiavltrsn helped me proof read this!
> 
> tell me what you think on twitter (sungaymournin) or tumblr (sundaymournin). have a good day x


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